MICHAEL'S PACK'N

By

Philosopher Stephan Pacheco

Synopsis:

Alex and Howard bond over their mutual stalking of Joey. While at the sauna, Joey and Zach find out that Michael has been hiding a great power. With Bobby's help the two try to teach Michael to harness this gift. But the power proves to strong. Gina slightly reveals her dark Italian instincts. Alex and Howard have a forgettable moment. Joey and Alex find a way to befriend each other again.

Open with HOWARD sitting at Joey's table, very happy. He's working on something.

ALEX enters.

ALEX

What are you doing?

Making a macaroni picture of Joey.

Ooohhh. That looks good. Maybe you could part his lips slightly.

HOWARD

Like this?

Yaaa. Maybe you could...I'll give you a eighty bucks for it!

HOWARD

I...I made it for Joey.

Oh. I was just kidding. (sits) Where is Joey?

He's not here.

What are you doing here?

Don't tell Joey. Wait. How did you get in here? I locked all the doors.

Oh I come in through the window. He always leaves the bathroom window cracked for when he showers.

HOWARD

I had a key made.

You did?!

I Macraméd a Number One Joey Fan keychain for it.

Oooh. Can I see it?

HOWARD starts to pull out a large bulge, about the size of an airline pillow, out of his pocket.

GINA enters.

HOWARD stuffs it back in his pocket.

Hey guys. What are you guy's doing here?

(slyly)

What are you doing here?

Joey and Michael's laundry. What are you two up to?

JOEY enters.

Hey everybody. Oh good Gina you're here. I really need clean cloths. I know I'm not leaving that much underwear at girl's houses...

ALEX and HOWARD

(quickly)

Got to go. See ya. Catch ya later.

GINA shakes her head and goes into the back room.

SCENE:

Gina. Gina!

GINA reenters.

What Joey? Geesh.

I need some Lasagna.

Can't you wait a second while I get the laundry together?

GINA returns to the back room.

(from back room)

How'd you get your frick'en pants up there?

Gina!

GINA re-enters.

GINA

What?

(sadly)

No...

What's wrong?

Things are just harder in my LA life. I mean some things are good, I mean great, but Alex...and...well mainly Alex. Alex is always neow! Neeeoooowwww! In and out of here. I can't catch her. It seems so fast here, like I can't keep up.

GINA

Joey, you don't even do your own laundry. Seriously...it can't always be New York was this or whatever...You're here. This is where you're at. You're in LA now Joe.

Are you, like, never gonna get that lasagna?

ZACH enters with a six pack of beer.

Hey.

ZACH sits down at the table and opens a beer.

Isn't it a little early to be drinking, Zach.

Joey. It's Wednesday.

Oh right.

JOEY opens a beer. GINA hands them their lasagna.

GINA

Anything else Don Joey?

Ya.

GINA

What?

I need some clean underwear!

GINA returns to the back room.

MICHAEL enters. MICHAEL just flops down on the couch.

(sighing)

What is it, Michael?

MICHAEL

I need some action. Where's my life going? What the hell am I doing here?

I believe the People of Holland say, "Yosh bin goda ding who". You know?

No.

Just stop thinking. It's driving me crazy. It means something about a sauna. I don't know. Everything can't be perfect all the time. Let's just go to the damn sauna. Gentlemen?

MICHAEL, ZACH and JOEY grab some beers and exit.

Wait are you guys going to the sauna? (pause) Oh well, it is Wednesday.

GINA begins removing cloths.

CUT AWAY.

JOEY and ZACH. In Sauna.

We've got to help Michael? Again.

ZACH

Joey it makes me sad inside. What does the guy have going for him? We need to market him.

Well, he has a large Catholic family but seems sort of Jewish. That's like a novelty, right?

MICHAEL enters sauna nude.

(Turning away)

Dude!

(staring)

Dude!!!!

What?

I can't believe you don't use that thing.

JOEY

(looking)

Oh my God!!

What? Am I not supposed to be naked?

Put your damn towel on!

MICHAEL

Isn't it Wednesday?

Michael the answer has been right in front and slightly to the left of you the whole time. You missed the entire tree through the bushes.

Don't you mean the forest through the trees?

Don't just make things up to sound smart.

But seriously...we have got to get that thing some action. Seriously. Now. Tonight.

You should not be sitting at home any night with that thing. You would think that with the size of that horrible thing that it would have more control over you. Your brain must be enormous.

Well...I can't just display it. How could I let a girl know?

Something that size should generate its own gravitational pull.

What are you talking about?

I'm not sure. Michael said it when we were making fun of fat chicks last week.

MICHAEL nods in remembrance.

There are lots of ways to let a woman know you're pack'n, Michael.

Right! Like the slow dance.

Ya! Ya, the gentle press.

What about a pair of tight pants? Or a Speedo?

(sarcastically)

Ya, or a tight mini skirt on Hollywood and Vine, and maybe a celebrity will pick you up and maybe your name will be in the paper. And maybe everyone will know.

Just stop thinking Michael. This is no time to think. At least not with your brain.

Tonight!!! You need to practice. Tonight!!!

Tonigh....

ZACH

Tonight!!!!!!!

Zach's right...you've been wasting your life. You've insulted the very course of dating everywhere by not using it properly. But who would just let you use them?

Guys, I can't just go out and...

Believe in it!

I have homework tonight...

You Son of a Bitch.

Whoa. Let's calm down. Of course Gina can be a little...I'm getting off the subject.

I'm sorry...it's just...if I had that...and...

I know...But how can we harness this power?

I'm a little uncomfortable being in here now. So, I'm going...to go.

GINA screams.

Oh my God!

(cooingly)

Michael...

MICHAEL reenters the sauna.

(embarrassed)

Apparently Mom and Alex...were so humiliatingly confused about this being a coed spa. Why does God hate me?

I don't know.

God gave you that you Son of a Bitch!

SCENE:

Shot of BOBBIE giddy in a pretty blue dress standing in a RESTUARANT WAITING ROOM.

JOEY, GINA and ZACH enter.

Hey Bobby, thanks for doing this.

Where is he?

He's parking the car.

That Son of a Bitch!

What are you talking about?

Oh I'm sorry. I know you don't like to hear things like that. But Gina can be a little...

I know.

Hey! Ah, who am I kidd'n. I am the best agent assistant around.

That's true.

Aaahhhh.

Well, you are sacrificing your son to me.

SCENE:

SHOT FORM LOBBY. MICHAEL and BOBBY at a table. ZACH, GINA, and JOEY sit at the bar. HOWARD and ALEX enter the same lobby of the same restaurant. They are dressed nicely. MID-SHOT on HOWARD and ALEX.

HOWARD

This is really nice.

Yes. It is nice. Dressing up and eating fancy.

HOWARD

I haven't been out with a woman in awhile.

And to be completely devoid of sexual desire. My mind is so free!

Oh.

Oh my God! Is that Joey!

HOWARD

Hide!

HOWARD and ALEX hide behind a row of plants.

HOWARD

If Joey sees us together he'll know our dark secret.

If Joey sees us here together he'll know how pathetic I am.

What?

I said he'll know how pathetic I am. What dark secret?

...That we love Joey...

You're right!

We can seat you now.

We're just going to eat here.

HOST

You can't do that.

Hey! I'm a lawyer buddy. I'll shut this place down so fast...

OK...ok. I can't get another restaurant shut down.

Get me a mai tai.

HOWARD

Ya! Get me some of those too.

HOWARD and ALEX smile at each other and nod their heads.

SCENE:

MICHAEL and BOBBY at table.

Would you like to dance?

Boy would I.

A nice slow dance begins. SIDE SHOT of face to face. Slowly turning so that BOBBY'S face is facing the camera. BOBBY'S eyes open wide. WIDE SHOT ON MICHAEL and BOBBY crash through a table as BOBBY forces herself on MICHAEL.

MICHAEL

Help me! Aaaaagggghhhh!

Give it to me!

JOEY and ZACH run over and try to pry them apart.

GINA zaps BOBBY with a stun gun.

Where'd you get that?

GINA

Sometimes you want to hurt someone without killing them, Joey. (quietly) And sometimes I use it on sleeping homeless people.

What?

You've just experienced a happening everyone. Let's have a big round of applause for the Laugh Exchange!

SCENE:

MICHAEL and BOBBY now sit at the bar. BOBBY'S head is down on the bar.

HOWARD and ALEX in the background are laughing loudly. JOEY turns to look.

Is that Alex? And Howard?!

Oh no.

Man that is pathetic.

GINA

It kinda is.

JOEY, MICHAEL, and ZACH turn back to the bar.

Man, what are they doing over there.

GINA

They're going to kiss.

CLOSE-UP on HOWARD and ALEX about to kiss. ALEX suddenly spits up and starts crying. She runs off.

HOWARD stands and sees everyone starring at him. He remains, too stunned to move, too awkward to stop staring.

Oh my God!

Man, everything is so shocking lately. I don't think I can handle this Hollywood lifestyle.

Bartender! Get me a meatball sandwich!

Yes sir, it'll be just a moment.

Oooohhhh, hurry.

BOBBY stirs.

(blurting, gurgling)

Michael! Whale!

GINA injects her with a sedative.

What the hell was that?

GINA

Why do you keep asking me about my business Joey?

Where's my meatball sub?

Joey...look...LA leaves a hole inside everyone. You just can't fill it with meatballs.

Gina's right. Fill it with money.

No. Fill it with sex.

Please!

GINA injects BOBBY again.

Wow! I never got to use a double dose before. We better get her home and tie her to her bed. I can check in on her in a few days...Woohoo! Another five day weekend!

GINA and ZACH high-five.

I can't believe they're just letting us sit here after all that.

If it's entertainment it's legal. Or they're just waiting for the cops to come. It'll at least be a couple of hours. See LA isn't all bad.

JOEY turns to look back at the entrance.

JOEY

We better tie Howard to his bed too.

Ooohh. No. Let's handcuff him to a park bench.

Gina.

I'm just kidding. Relax.

MICHAEL

We better ask for a couple of serving carts to haul 'em out.

(frighteningly, grabbing Michael)

After I get my meatballs!

SCENE:

JOEY'S LIVING ROOM. JOEY, ZACH, and MICHAEL sit on the couch. All of them rubbing their feet on the carpet.

Maybe we are lucky that this kind of power is diminished by someone like Michael.

Someone that would never be able to harness its true power.

It is as if a balance in the universe has been maintained.

I know if I had that...

I know. The balance would be torn open!

No doubt...Haha.

GINA enters. MICHAEL is fidgeting in his chair.

I got it.

Oh thank God. This itching is driving me crazy. I hate the sauna!

GINA hands JOEY a tube of cream. ZACH and JOEY start creaming up their feet.

Don't worry Michael I brought you the family size.

I'll be in the bathroom.

With that much cream I'm sure you'll be in there for awhile.

That kind of power is not likely to ever leave Michael's hands.

Ha...Ha...At least my tower has a view.

Of hairy palms.

Mom?!

Mom is going to leave now.

GINA exits. MICHAEL goes to the bathroom.

So, man, what's up with you and Alex?

I've tried, but I can't get into a conversation with her.

Maybe you just need to hang out with her. Like friends, you know. Don't try.

Like, not even worry about it.

For now.

I do know how to be a friend better than a boyfriend.

Ya, Joey, stick with what you know. It got you this far, didn't it?

I think not knowing what I was doing got me this far.

MICHAEL enters.

Do you guys have anymore ointment?

You better have washed your hands.

You're not touching our tube. We needs it. We're itchy.

Our feet, not our palms.

Maybe I'll go talk to Alex. I do have the power to talk to Alex.

Go ahead.

Fine. I will.

Fine.

MICHAEL exits.

You know Alex has been a little desperate lately. And she does know about Michael's secret power.

Oh crap.

JOEY and ZACH run after Michael.

OUTSIDE ALEX'S APT. MICHAEL is walking back to Joey's.

She's not there. Well I'm going to go get some more lube...I mean ointment.

Oh man...Do they sell liquor where you're going?

It's my Mom's house. So yes.

SCENE:

JOEY'S LIVING ROOM. HOWARD and ALEX are casually sitting on the back of Joey's couch, their feet on the cushions.

Listen. You know...I was in a place where I was just feeling really care free. Um. My spirit...was...uh...really detached from anything that....existed on the physical plane.

Ok.

Cool then. Now, let's go.

WIDE SHOT. HOWARD and ALEX begin to traverse Joey's furniture. Carefully keeping their steady balance.

JOEY enters.

(instantly happy)

What are you guy's doing?

ALEX

The floor is made of hot lava.

JOEY quickly leaps to a piece of furniture.

It's ok. It's ok, right? It was only a second, you don't burn up in the hot lava if you only touch it a second. Besides, I had immunity. I didn't know!

HOWARD and ALEX agree.

(sincerely)

Hey Alex?

Ya, Joey?

JOEY

You're it! Hot Lava Tag!

Fun ensues. Happy music plays.